Parabolic Hearts

The bull moose in rutting season knows not what he does;
A thousand pounds of raw power, pointless without direction.
The unfocused beam of the brightest light is outdone
By a mere candle and a parabola, just ask the sun.

Despite my best efforts not to, I've learned that
Rage is draining, and there'll be no more giving myself away.
So come revel with me in the power of intertwined hearts,
For lives lived in stereo are more than the sum of their parts.

Penance

Repent, you slime! But not for your sins,
Just for what you've done with them.
Repent, you saint! They belong to you
And no one else can shoulder them.

Repent! You worship a false god,
Whichever one it happens to be.
Repent, if you want, but in the end
Only you can set yourself free.

The one true god is the one within,
Beneath one's clothes and pretense.
The one true god is everyone, and
Every thing that makes up existence.

The one true god, what a fallacy!
An ideology for minds still in infancy.
The one true blade of grass, can't you see?
You must all bow down to it and me.
You must all bow down to my humility.

The Psychogenetic Birthular Attachment

After a woman gives birth, it's not entirely uncommon for her to go through a period of serious depression.  We all know this.  In fact, it's so common it has a name – post-pardum depression.  By and large, we view it simply as what it is – a possible consequence or aftermath of childbirth.  It is something we watch out for and treat when it comes up, but it's not something we view as terrifying and mysterious.  There is no movement (at least I hope there's not) that is encouraging women to stop having babies because of the risks of post-pardum depression.  This would be silly; lots of women describe the day they gave birth as the best day of their life and having babies obviously isn't a problem.

And from what I understand, mothers frequently describe giving birth as a life-changing event and the greatest accomplishment of their lives.  Indeed, the moment a mother delivers her baby she successfully overcomes what is likely the biggest obstacle she has ever faced – an obstacle that, for the hours leading up to that moment, seemed completely overwhelming.  Many women experience an altered state of consciousness while in labor, which science tells us is due to naturally occurring chemicals that are released in the brain.  After giving birth, she returns to waking life with a sense of overwhelming joy, accomplishment, and a strong instinct to protect and care for her newborn child.

And interestingly enough, this description of childbirth is very similar to what many people experience when they take psychedelic drugs.  Oh man, I got you!  This essay is really about drugs!  I lulled you in with two paragraphs about childbirth, and now I have the gall to compare eating filthy, illegal drugs I bought on the street to the natural beauty of childbirth.  But let me explain – this essay isn't that long and I swear there's truth to this...

The psychedelic experience is indeed very similar to what I have described in the second paragraph.  Upon taking the drug, the space cadet is likely presented with some sort of obstacle.  This obstacle often involves first being confronted with a skeleton in the closet, and then being made to decide whether to deal with said skeleton or to be plagued by it for what seems like an eternity.  This situation is akin to that of the mother-to-be in the throes of labor, who is presented with the option of either giving birth or staying pregnant forever.  In the case of the either the space cadet or the woman in labor, both of their options seem pretty terrible.

Yes, the space cadet is also transported to an altered state of consciousness, one in which time seems to stand still and his demons seem more patient than he ever could be.  This can be a very uncomfortable place to be, and having all this thrust upon him in an unpleasant setting will only make matters worse.  Examples of unpleasant environments include a loud party full of strangers, a jail cell, an expanse of wilderness in which he finds himself lost, or any place with his parents or some other authority figure yelling at him.  Some environments are equally unpleasant and potentially dangerous to a woman in labor, most notably hospitals.  Both his and her environments have a dramatic impact on their experiences because he and she are both so vulnerable at the time they take place.  It's not any more unreasonable or unlikely that he may end up in some way scarred from his experience than she may from hers, if they take place in a bad environment.

Taking psychedelics at a party is often about like having intensive psychotherapy on a crowded subway.  Both psychedelics and psychotherapy tend to bring about personal, emotional moments that deserve some tender respect and privacy.  No one would choose to finally deal with a childhood trauma or their guilt over something they've done in a loud room full of strangers.  Of course – it doesn't make any sense, and if attempted it's entirely likely that the experience will make things worse and bury those feelings the patient was struggling to uncover even deeper.  I think we all can agree how ludicrous this situation would be.  But when we substitute "psychedelic" for "psychotherapist" and the same thing happens, everything changes somehow.  It must be that there's something wrong with the drug itself, we conclude.  But in reality there are many, many people who benefit from psychedelics and whose stories don't make the gossip circle or the TV news, just as there are countless women who are forever changed for the better the day they give birth.

So why would anyone want to take a psychedelic and be confronted by painful memories anyway?  Well, for the same reason anyone would want to have psychotherapy, and even for some of the same reasons they'd want to have a baby, I think.  The initial hours of agony in any case are really not the point; the end result in the time that follows is.  I tend to think that the agony itself is often a kind of sacrifice, one necessary to make the ecstasy that follows it truly meaningful.  But in any event, no one talks endlessly about the day he finally came to terms with some painful issue any more than a mother endlessly talks about the hours she spent in labor.  No, the patient talks about his new interests and opportunities now that he's feeling better, and the mother talks about her baby's current goings-on – not about the day the kid got there.

And so it is with a person who takes psychedelics responsibly – anyone who has benefited from them will tell you how much brighter their lives are for the days, months, and even years AFTER a trip, not necessarily during.  Not that there's no such thing as a beautiful, happy, peaceful trip – in fact, I should clarify and add that I think beautiful experiences are the norm among people who have some awareness of what they're doing.  I can say with confidence that the vast majority of my experiences have been very pleasant both during and after, and even the more turbulent times have ended well and benefited me in one way or another.  I definitely don't believe the hellish or “bad” trips are the majority; they're just the subject of the most publicity, and so garner the most attention. 

If we ignore the sensationalism surrounding psychedelics and focus instead on these similarities between childbirth and the psychedelic experience, we can see that these drugs give us a way to be reborn, in a pretty literal sense.  I believe this is their core purpose, and it comprises the final and most significant similarity between childbirth and the psychedelic experience.  After childbirth, if everything goes right, the mother is left with an overwhelming instinct to protect and care for her baby.  This is obviously very important if the child his going to survive and flourish.  And similarly, after a psychedelic trip, if everything goes right the space cadet is left with renewed self-confidence and interest in nurturing himself.  He is left with renewed faith in his abilities, his self-worth, and his goals. 

He is now free to look upon himself as a parent looks at a child – with awe, wonder, and unconditional love.  Through the psychedelic experience he gives birth to a new incarnation of himself, and by doing so strengthens his resolve to nurture himself, much as a mother cements her instinct to nurture during the process of giving birth.  Indeed, this is where the true power of psychedelics lies – they can help us to recognize three very important things:  One, that we are each beautiful, special, and have limitless potential for joy; two, that it is our own individual responsibility and no one else's to nurture and protect those qualities in ourselves; and three, that we are completely capable of handling this responsibility.  This is how psychedelics allow us to be reborn as our own capable, loving parents – and frequently, as adults.

Mirror Image

I remember a time when I liked you more
And all the world could see
That my bad taste and faith in you
Would soon be the death of me

Problem Adult (for Andrew)

You can incarcerate a child and call his jail a school.
You can call his protests a deficit but that's just ignorant and cruel.
From this arrogant prespective you can be sure you're always right,
But you can suck my dick and blame yourself when the kid bolts in the night.

You're doing these kids a real disservice.
They're not as dumb and helpless as you'd like to believe.
Just because they don't buy into your bullshit
Doesn't mean they all have ADD.

Diagnosis Dissatisfaction

Lithium please rescue me from this ecstatic joy I feel-
What a pesky sense of elation, it must be an aberration.
Singing, how strange it is to be loved by you. Truly,
What an alienating blessing it is to make nonsense.

The greatest times I'll ever medicate
Are those spent alone in outer space.
With no one around to interfere, no longer
Do the two eyes distract from the third.

People are such an oppressive distraction.
I suppose they're grounding, like an injury-
Something nagging, reminding me I'm still here,
But all the more reason to escape.

Why Going Green Makes Me See Red

As zealous fervor continues to stampede its way over critical thinking, we are rapidly turning into a nation of consumers who are afraid of chemicals and any product whose packaging doesn't reassure us that it is doing its part to help save the planet.  Please, manufacturers of consumer goods, please help guide and educate me on how best to care for the environment.  You must certainly be knowledgeable and unbiased sources of information, and I am confident that you have the environment's best interest in mind.  Tell me what purchases I can make to help, and I'll listen.  I don't have time to actually research what will help save the planet, but I sure do want to feel like I'm part of the solution.

Yeah!  Go me! 

Thankfully, the very notion that we could destroy the planet or possibly harm nature is a complete fallacy, one based entirely in arrogance.  It is as an idea as self-centered as presuming that the sun rotates around the earth because that's how things appear to us.  But on the contrary, nature is all-encompassing and we are just one part of it.  Indeed, there is nothing that is not nature – not even atom bombs, synthetic fibers or your iPhone, and nature will still be here long after we are gone.  The current oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is not hurting nature; the oil gushing out into the water is nature.  And although it's making a huge mess all over the nature in and along the Gulf, it's just one part of nature affecting another.  This spill may threaten our own existence by disrupting the ecosystem in the Gulf, but nature is in no way “under attack”. 

Indeed, we are merely one part of nature, and we are not the only ones known to drive a species to the point of extinction.  If a flood wipes out a species, the lesson isn't to prevent floods at all costs in the future.  No, the real lesson is that Darwin was right – circumstances change and the species that fail to adapt don't survive.  It's really disappointingly simple:  Nature is constantly changing and evolving; some species change and mutate to form entirely new ones, and others die out.  And as a part of nature ourselves, we sometimes wipe out other parts.  But we are no different than a flood or a volcano and there is no arbitrary point in time we can point to as “perfect” and insist that it be preserved by all means necessary.  This is a fool's errand, a task as impossible as it is pointless.  However, it is precisely what the environmental movement at large is insisting we do. 

I work in a wood shop that makes furniture and cabinets, mostly for customers who have a lot of money to spend on “eco-friendly” products that help them feel good about themselves.  But what's so noble about buying new furniture?  Even making something out of reclaimed lumber is an energy-intensive endeavor and buying a “green” dresser or table isn't as green as simply being content with what one already has, or buying a smaller house that requires less furniture to furnish.  And because most of our furniture is custom, I burn tremendous amounts of diesel driving the shop truck around town looking for the particular lumber and hardware our customers want.  But that's not what they'll tell their friends about; they'll talk about the furniture's low-VOC finish and the sustainable materials used in its construction.  The truth is that our customers just want a new piece of nice furniture, and that's fine.  And besides, they pay my rent.  But they're deluding themselves by taking credit for any more than that – getting new furniture and paying my rent.

In addition to our self-declared responsibility to “buy green”, we now feel obligated to protect and manage other species.  Now we may feel sad that something we did wiped out a species, and we can try to save a species on the brink of extinction, but this emotion should not be confused with environmentalism.  The real task at hand from an environmental standpoint is to maintain a hospitable, life-sustaining environment that will provide us with adequate food, water, and shelter.  But we must be honest with ourselves – we are NOT saving the planet.  We pose absolutely no threat to the planet, and this is not some altruistic or selfless act.  It is simply a matter of self-preservation: we like being alive and living in at least relative comfort, and we want the same for our children.  Indeed, we are concerned with the environment for two reasons – one, because of the guilt we feel for running over cute little bunnies with our cars – and two, because we want to protect our species and quality of life.  We want to feel better about the impact we have on other parts of nature, but we definitely don't want to give up our cars or air conditioners.  And who could blame us?

Besides, there really is no reason to feel guilty; we should instead foster an appreciation for the extremely high quality of life we enjoy and work to maintain it.  Even a person working a menial job for little money has a high quality of life compared to many people throughout history.  There is no reason to feel guilty for enjoying the bounty we have created for ourselves, but there are plenty of reasons to foster an appreciation for it.  We are extremely lucky to be alive here and now, to have shoes and dentists, and freedom from a king or slave owner.  For our own sake and the sake of our children we want to maintain a hospitable environment in which a person would want to live.  But the dead bunnies don't hold roadkill against us any more than they resent the storm that causes a flood, or the wolves that hunt them for food. 

However, this is not the story we hear.  We are bombarded both by stories of our greed-driven atrocities worldwide, and by products that make us feel like we're making a difference.  Understandably, there is a lot of emotion wrapped up in all this and it's easy to let those feelings get the better of us, but that passionate emotion can push us to make impulsive decisions that may not turn out to be so helpful.  Environmental issues can be best solved by objective, scientific research and carefully calculated figures and plans.  But how many of us know how much energy it takes to recycle a plastic bottle rather than make a new one, or what makes the “green” dishwashing liquid superior to the conventional version? 

What most of us do know is that we live very comfortable lives, that our lifestyles have negatively affected some other species, and that we feel bad about that.  However, this information is not adequate to make decisions that will help other species or ourselves.  There are no black-and-white absolutes, and different methods and products each have advantages and disadvantages.  For example, buying a Prius is a really attractive option because I get a new car out of the deal, which is something I want already, and on top of that I get to feel like I'm literally helping to save the planet.  It seems that as long as I have the money, I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

But that's emotion talking, along with my own material desire.  Buying a Prius is probably a better option than buying a full-size truck, but there are many factors that go into evaluating the most environmentally friendly option.  What kind of car do I drive now?  Does it get decent gas mileage?  Do I maintain it well to maximize that mileage?  How much of an improvement in gas mileage will I get from a hybrid car?  How much energy does it take to manufacture a hybrid car as compared to a conventional small car like a Civic or a Corolla?  What is the environmental toll from disposing of the toxic batteries in a hybrid car when they have to be replaced?  What kind of driving do I do?  Do I do more in-town driving, or is it mostly long-distance highway driving?  Are there a lot of hills to take advantage of the energy-generating ability of the brakes in the hybrid or do I drive on mostly flat terrain?  These are just a few things I must consider if I am truly looking after the environment and not just my own self-interest.

There are many things I can do that cost little or nothing and offer significant benefits to the environment.  Many environmentally conscious people ignore the less exciting ways to go green like performing routine maintenance on their car and changing the filter for the air conditioner in their house regularly.  They stand in the doorway discussing sustainable materials while the cold air pours out around them.  These conservation practices aren't sexy, but they make a big difference.  So this is my environmental war cry: Keeping the front door closed when possible is going green!  Keeping your car tires properly inflated is going green!  Parking in the shade in the summer and turning the AC off when you leave the house is going green!  Knowing where you're going and planning an efficient route so as not to drive in circles is going green!  None of it is very exciting or fun, and you're not going to get a hot date or anyone's praise because you change your air filter regularly.  Frankly, no one will care, but praise and approval can't be our goal.

Well, that's not strictly true – I will give you a most emphatic high-five if you tell me about the rather dull but significant ways in which you've gone green.  There must be more critical thinkers out there, and we are poised to make a real difference.  We can take the environmental movement back from the insincere who are involved for self-serving reasons.  We can reclaim environmentalism as a legitimate movement that operates based on scientific data instead of marketing campaigns, half-truths, and eco-guilt.  And if you don't care to help, that's totally fine.  I certainly don't do nearly as much as I could, but let's call a spade a spade:  Buying furniture and participating in an environmental protest aren't going to determine how to make decisions that will benefit the environment; critical review of hard data will, and it's time to stop playing, start thinking, and make that happen.