A Public Service Announcement

Have you ever experienced the sensation that you've already experienced the sensation you're currently experiencing?  That is to say, have you ever previously experienced the sensation that you're currently experiencing?  Before?

This may just be déjà vu – an interesting, harmless little phenomenon no one really seems to understand.  But it could also be a symptom of a more serious, highly fatal and Unpatriotic condition known as DEJAVITIS®.  The painful swelling of the left nipple and enlargement of the anal opening associated with this condition have also conclusively led to the possible development of AIDS, CANCER, and chronic DEATH.

As we all know, every good American® shares the responsibility to combat Al Qaeda by appearing to be patriotic at all times.  Indeed, each and every citizen is expected to do his or her part to defend The Greatest Country in the World® from evildoers.  After all, if you're dead, who is going to drive your SUV to display your "Support our Troops" magnets?  Who is going to shout "These Colors Don't Run!"?  Can you afford to take that risk?  Can America®?

Of course, there is no way to irrefutably diagnose DEJAVITIS® – that is, until you die a sudden, otherwise inexplicable death.  Fortunately, the caring upper management at RepubliPfizer® has developed an exclusive Preventative Cure® for this horrendous malady.  Simply take a Serenetab® tablet once a day for the rest of your life to ensure your Good Health®, with the only side effect being a minor case of kidney failure. 

Hopefully, DEJAVITIS® will never suddenly and without warning strike you or your family down like the angry hand of a vengeful god.  But if something does happen, will your peace of mind be protected?  Can you put a price on your life, or the life of your favorite child?  Happily, RepubliPfizer® has taken care of these valuations for you as well.  So ask your doctor about Serenetab® today, because after all, how are you going to defend the Greatest Country in the World® against the terrorists if you're dead?

Chronic Sobriety Disorder

Millions of Americans suffer from Chronic Sobriety Disorder (CSD), a serious medical condition characterized by extended periods of sobriety and resulting depression, anxiety, delusions, and boredom.  Unfortunately, many people suffering from this disorder attempt to self-medicate with unhealthy habits such as overeating, shopping, and watching television and movies.  These attempted treatments do not address the underlying root problem of chronic sobriety and therefore serve only as temporary distractions from getting real help.  Please check your symptoms against the following checklist to evaluate whether you may have a sobriety problem.

Some symptoms of CSD:
-Daily television use
-Increased interest in material possessions
-Strong work ethic
-Frequent attendance at religious services
-Stress and anxiety
-Sense of community with corporate America
-Long, uninterrupted periods of sobriety

Reality, when experienced without the aide of a protective intoxicant, can be overwhelming and is simply too much for many people to handle.  After long periods of sobriety, the brain becomes confused and overworked, resulting in delusions and potentially aggressive behavior.  Many sufferers of CSD even experience a state of denial in which they believe not only that sobriety is a valid state of mind, but indeed the only valid state of mind.  Left untreated, this denial begins to manifest itself into a false feeling of superiority over one's healthy, intoxicated peers, and the sobriety victim may become hostile towards anyone who tries to help.  This, however, is just a symptom of the illness.  Tragically, the invalid is simply too sober to understand his own affliction and may require the introduction of intoxicants against his will to interrupt the dangerous cycle of sobriety.

Although there is no cure for CSD, many different forms of treatment are available.  Alcohol, the mostly commonly prescribed treatment, can greatly reduce the symptoms of CSD and provide greatly needed relief.  Other effective options include marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamine, PCP, and heroin.  Each regimen has its own specific applications, as each patient's needs are unique, so be sure to consult a Sobriety Prevention Professional before beginning any treatment.  Contact your friendly neighborhood drug dealer for assistance with selecting an appropriate therapy to control your sobriety.  You don't have to suffer from CSD any longer; please get help today before it's too late!

Intentional Ignorance

Why do conservative Christians insist they are being persecuted for their beliefs when they are not allowed to shove them down everyone else's throats?  Most critical thinkers merely ignore the ranting of blind faith fanatics because they have already realized there is no point in responding.  They know it is nearly impossible to have a rational conversation with a person so fiercely entrenched in illogical reasoning, but enough is enough!  There is no reason I should be subjected to personal attacks and patronizing remarks about my allegedly perverse life of sin from a person who has never bothered to investigate any philosophy or avenue of thought other than what he is told. 

There is a world of difference between having faith in a higher power and leading an arrogant life of intentional ignorance about most of the world, a world which is supposedly immoral and doomed to Hell.  It is inherently essential that we be convinced of the absolute truth and validity of our personal beliefs, or they would not be beliefs at all.  However, this certainly does not justify or excuse forcing one's personal beliefs on another person who simply is not interested, and is indeed offended by the unwanted condescension.  No matter how genuinely the believer fears for the fate of my soul, he must still respect my rights in this life by keeping his opinions to himself.