Sunday, March 21, 2010

Anecdotal Autodidact

--->   au·to·di·dact, noun: a self-taught person

When I was seventeen I took a Driver's Education course in which I had to watch an inane video tape which intended to teach, or at least claimed to teach why reckless driving "isn't worth it".  To be clear, I'm all for safe driving - in fact, many people's driving habits bother me, but that is neither here nor there.  The problem with this video is that it presented no real information.  It merely projected a facade of objectivity and used manipulation and pseudo-science to support a preordained conclusion. The story of this video itself is boring, but can be confined to one paragraph...

In the video, two different drivers are timed as they drive a certain route.  One observes the speed limit, stop signs, etc..., and the other doesn't.  They are each scored on a rubric which takes the time each driver took to complete the route, and from that subtracts time for courteous driving and adds time for violating traffic laws.  Arbitrary values are assigned to various penalties and those values are used to calculate the final score.  The reckless driver gets a better drive time, but the courteous driver scores better according to the rubric and wins the competition.  The obvious conclusion, the video would have us believe, is that driving safely is objectively and scientifically superior to the alternative.  And hooray for courteous driving and all, but the real issue here is the use of nonsensical, Machiavellian tactics as tools for education.  Having safe drivers is important, but it certainly doesn't justify using deceptive pseudo-science in the process.

When you use nonsense to teach, not all kids will react in the same way.  Some will listen to you because they are eager for approval, or because it doesn't occur to them not to listen.  Others are going to ignore you because they just don't care and no matter what you say or how you say it they are lost, at least for the time being.  And a few other kids will ignore you because some part of them understands that what you are telling them is bullshit.  They will be labeled "problem students", and they may even end up in jail.  This is what and when we will notice and shake our heads in mournful disapproval, but jail is the end of their path.  And their path frequently begins the same way – with an absolutely earnest, innocent appeal to teachers and parents long before their discipline problems begin: "This video doesn't make any sense.  Why do I have to watch it?  Why don't my classmates or teachers notice that this is nonsense?  Why aren't they as frustrated as I am?"

These appeals are frequently misunderstood and ignored, and the youth's confusion may soon turn to anger.  They know they're not getting anything out of the "material" being presented and they're going to do their best to make sure no one else does either, because they feel insulted.  They don't care if they are reprimanded for their naughty, disruptive behavior because they have lost respect for those doing the reprimanding.  They feel insulted and hurt, and they don't understand why the people who are supposed to care about them seem to be ignoring their feelings.

Many teachers, administrators, politicians, and parents don't understand that what they teach with the best of intentions can sometimes be poisonous.  The real lesson learned in Driver's Ed that day had nothing to do with driving safety or turn signals, and was different for different kids.  Many learn from their teachers' dismissive attitudes that it isn't important to understand the point of what they're doing, but rather to just complete the assignment and pass the class.  And most significantly, they learn that seeking out help from their parents and teachers is futile because when they do seek it, they just don't get any.  Their genuine appeals are met with indifference at best, and criticism and condescension at worst.  This produces alienated teenagers who choose not to seek help from their parents or social programs in the future, but may instead turn to various bad influences, gangs, and cults.  They will take their cues from nearly ANYONE who makes them feel more understood, more accepted and less alienated, anyone who provides the feelings they weren't getting from their parents and teachers.

In high school I took a Speech class from a subhuman known as Ms. Marhkles.  The garbage that woman tried to teach me was asinine and she honestly didn't understand most of the jokes I made at her expense, but you can be sure the majority of my classmates did.  It was the most frustrating class I've ever taken, simply because I knew that I was trapped in a class that was a waste of my time and that some of the information being presented was flat-out wrong.  The recurring phrase "I have a dream" in Martin Luther King Jr.'s famous speech is an example of repetition, not metaphor, but don't tell Ms. Marhkles that.  She once sent me to the office for disrupting her class, where I had a very memorable conversation with an Assistant Principal named Ms. Sehdle, a conversation in which I took great solace.  In so many words, she conceded that Ms. Marhkles wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and that she understood my frustration, but that I had to suck it up and just ride out the rest of the semester.  That is the most honest thing any teacher has ever said to me, and it was one of the few times I felt like one leveled with me about something significant instead of patronizing and manipulating me.  It caught me completely by surprise.  I went back to class feeling very content, and this is key, even though I still had to go to that ridiculous class.

Indeed, the moronic teachers out there with asinine lesson plans are only half of the problem.  If you make a kid do something ridiculous but are straightforward and honest about the situation, that can be tolerated.  It's not desirable, but at least the kid isn't going to feel deceived.  He will still know that he can trust you and expect honest answers from you, even if he's mad that you're making him go to a stupid class.  But if you try to deceive the kid, whether you think it's for his own good or not, all you will do is alienate him.  It may not be immediate and you may successfully trick him for a time, but the end result will nearly always be the same.

This seems to be a difficult concept for many educators and parents to hear, but one that is important to a small group of very bright kids with tremendous potential.  These are kids who, for the most part, don't need or even benefit from traditional education, and are indeed inhibited by it.  But given an appropriate environment to learn, these kids will likely become important leaders with the potential to do great things both for themselves, and even for society as a whole.  These kids benefit from teachers who are available to answer questions and make suggestions, but do not force the kids to adhere to a rigid lesson plan.  Not all children benefit from this style of learning, to be sure, but it makes all the difference for the ones who do.  They don't even need you to teach them; they can teach themselves.  They just need your permission and a little understanding.

To make life more interesting, given my general dissatisfaction with the education system in general, my sister Laura has become a middle school teacher.  It's really not nearly as bad as it sounds.  In fact, it's pretty cool in a lot of ways, but we sometimes disagree on some key points.  A story she told me actually constitutes most of the reason I began writing this anecdotal abomination in the first place:  She has a student who was keeping his pencils in an inside-out Crown Royal whiskey bag, and she told him he needed to replace it.  To me this is astonishing, almost as astonishing as most people's lack of astonishment is to me when they hear this story.  What has the student done wrong?  He didn't bring alcohol to school.  He's not advocating underage drinking, at least not overtly.  He even turned the bag inside out.

What Laura's actions say to him are, "You aren't old enough or smart enough to even be cognizant of alcohol.  I'm pretending that alcohol doesn't exist because it's more comfortable for me that way, and you must also."  She doesn't ask him why he chose that pencil bag, what it means to him, where he got it, or what he thinks about alcohol.  She doesn't ask whether he thinks it's okay to drink in seventh grade, or why.  She doesn't ask him whether he drinks at all.  All she does is get rid of something that offends her in some way – a seventh grader with a Crown Royal bag.  Indeed, this is solely and precisely what the entire conflict is really about – good, old-fashioned hear no evil, see no evil denial.

I sincerely have no doubt that Laura is an awesome teacher.  She is compassionate, intelligent, and passionate about teaching, and she wants nothing but the best for her students.  And of course, she is under pressure from parents and school administration.  There are numerous rules she must follow or risk serious ramifications if she defies them.  She only has so much freedom to do what she thinks is right, but it is important that teachers help maintain a voice of reason.  As the educators interacting most directly with the kids themselves, more so than the principals and superintendents, they are privy to the most information from them.  And this information is of the utmost importance, because if those educators making the policies and writing the lesson plans don't really know and understand their kids, they will never reach the majority of them.  In school it's the same as it is in show-business – an educator must know his or her audience.

Please keep in mind that I took Driver's Ed ten years ago, and Ms. Marhkles' speech class about a year after that.  After all this time, I still remember both of them vividly.  Both were such insults to my intelligence that the memories are permanently etched in my mind.  When writing and rereading some stories I relate in this essay I relive the emotions I describe in them, and it's still enough to make my eyes well up with tears.  I feel that I was robbed of parts of my adolescence, which is arguably the most precious time in a person's life.  We are willing to go to great lengths to help and protect our children, but when it comes to protecting them from mandatory time leeches like these classes we turn a blind eye.  An hour a day, five days a week, for a whole semester I was in that speech class!  Think of all the things I could have experienced and learned in that formative time, given a little freedom.

It must be difficult for a teacher like Ms. Marhkles to teach a student far more intelligent than herself.  A teacher of moderate to low intelligence has little to offer a very bright kid, but the most important thing she can do is be aware of that fact and stay out of the way when she is not helping.  The most intelligent people in the world are the people who listen, and the teachers who really listen to their students do the most good.  Throughout this essay I think I have been pretty clear that I consider myself to be an example the bright autodidacts I have described.  I try not to be boastful and my goal is not to gloat.  Besides, I don't have any kids of my own, so why should I care about the schools at all?

The purpose of this rambling, abruptly transitioned series of anecdotal observations is to explore and express feelings I've always had but never understood or felt comfortable with until recently.  I also hope these musings make sense to some educators and young people who can relate to the stories I've told.  These are kids whose confidence in their very real gifts is being destroyed by the education system, which tries to cram those gifts into boxes that just do not fit, and whose labels aren't even close to accurate.   And of course this is all just my opinion, but I am confident that my experiences are relevant to other young autodidacts suffering from frustrations and difficulties similar to those I have faced.  It is completely unfair and counterproductive to chastise these kids for their natural curiosity and shrewd intelligence, and adapting education to better suit them is really not as radical a proposal as it sounds.

Without being "taught", I have learned how to do the following: Run my own Computer and Network Troubleshooting business, fix bicycles, play the guitar, and take quality photos with amateur equipment, just to name a few things.  I have also quickly become a valuable asset to the wood shop I work at, even though I admittedly don't know much about woodworking.  Of course, I've had plenty of valuable support from the time I was little, but I generally learn best by experimenting and researching on my own – and, as an apprentice of sorts, working with people who know a trade.  For the most part I don't need or even benefit from having a “teacher” in the traditional sense of the word; all I really need is someone who will answer some questions and otherwise stay out of my way.

Indeed, my employers like me because I can figure things out and solve problems without them having to babysit me, and I like them because they give me the freedom to get things done in a way that makes sense to me.  I don't need to pay for school because I can get paid to learn while I'm providing a service of real value to a real business that is, in turn, providing a real product in the real world for a real profit.  Compare this to paying money to sit in a classroom and not provide any real service to anyone, except maybe for the university.  I'm really not even very unique; lots of people can learn this way and some do it already.  But unfortunately, the mindset that learning must involve a teacher and a classroom has been ingrained in us like a religion, and many people are convinced they can't learn any other way.

This, however, is another subject entirely.  For now I shall stick to the one at hand and conclude my defense of the self-taught and misunderstood.  We all learn differently, and some of us are actually impeded by an educator's best intentions.  The irony is rich:  We're sabotaging some of our brightest kids in an attempt to help them, and we're using tax money to pay for it.  As a parent or a teacher it must be hard to know when to let go and give a kid more freedom, and perhaps even harder to let go when you know it's the right thing to do.  But what all kids need are more Assistant Principals like Ms. Sehdle – sincere educators who give honest answers even when it would be more comfortable not to.  Kids also need more teachers like Laura, a sister who is willing to consider what I have to say even though I've gone to the trouble of writing an entire essay more or less attacking her profession.  They are the ones who are listening, and the ones who listen are the ones who make a difference.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Weathering the Storm

A nice placid rant rains down on me like napalm
Seems this afternoon's shitstorm is blowing in
Okay, you're right - I know nothing about
All these things you've already told me

So close and yet so far
You see, this is how we like it
We've got comfortable discontentment
Literally down to a science

Oh tell me again, the one about how
You've completely missed the point
God is such a prankster
He'll be the death of us all, I'm sure

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Drowning in Logic

I. GOOD & EVIL: THE POWER TO CHOOSE

The battle between good and evil is not an intangible, irrelevant struggle, nor one that takes place only in movies and history books.  It is taking place all around us, inside us, between us, right now, every day.  But it doesn't feel like it...  Our daily struggles feel personal and largely under our conscious control.  It really feels like the choices I make regarding my career path and investment strategy determine the future, but I can't see the forest for the trees.  There is a bigger picture, an invisible network of life that is all-encompassing and driven solely by my intent and the power of my mind.

The day-to-day decisions I make in the physical realm are really not decisions at all, but misunderstood effects of a cause that's been right under my nose for years.  There is an important distinction between making a decision and changing how I think about the decision itself.  Any choice I can make is only possible within a mindset that can conceive it, and its importance necessarily pales in comparison to that of my mindset itself.  My mindset dictates possibilities and determines the very decisions I have to make, as well as the options from which I can choose. 

It hardly seems like I have any control at all over this seemingly static and ingrained level.  No, it seems like I'm at the mercy of how I think, bound to feel certain ways about certain things and live inside the parameters within which I've allowed myself to tread.  How can I change the very basic concept of what seems possible when that decision, more than any other, seems to be completely beyond my control?  It's a Catch-22, and I'm drowning in logic.  The good news is that my logic is flawed. 

Abandoning my logic is integral to unlocking my mindset, which is based on and relevant only to my perception.  Indeed, the mindset I choose shapes my perception and my resulting system of logic, not vice versa.  There are steps I take in an attempt to transcend this world and my perception, steps that don't make much sense to me as a person who clips his toenails and attends civilized gatherings.  But I remind myself that there's more to life than toenails and civilization, that it's possible there is wisdom and knowledge larger than myself, and that I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by tapping into it.

You'll notice I write this in the first person, present tense.  I don't even necessarily write it for you.  I write it for myself, because all this nonsense I believe is strengthened by me writing, thinking, and reinforcing these thoughts.  It's only as true as I believe it to be, and by the time I finish this essay my power to shape my reality and perception will be that much stronger than it was before.  In fact, it will be double-plus strong because I just wrote that last sentence.  Some people say this is all in my head and that I'm not “really” any different than I was before – not scientifically...  And I say they're absolutely right.   

So while they revel in being right, I tell myself things that I want to be true, things that I want to believe.  I literally tell myself that I am the opposite of feelings I have but don't like.  If I feel stiff and sore I tell myself that I am flexible and relaxed.  If I feel anxious I affirm that I am calm and centered.  If I feel redundant with my examples, I remind myself that it's good to be thorough.  And if I genuinely want these feelings that I affirm to be true and concentrate on believing they are instead of concluding that this is all nonsense before I even try, they are true.

I practice this.  It has a cumulative effect and saying “I am confident” ten times won't magically transform me overnight.  But the more I spend my time saying “I am confident” instead of thinking “I'm so horribly shy”, the more confident I am.  Whether or not they're a stretch to believe, the more positive thoughts I have about myself, the better my self-confidence.  After all, that's the whole point – to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.  For sure, we believe the things we say as much as we say the things we believe. 

Yes, I have learned that the most important decision I can make is to be happy, hopeful and positive, so much so that there isn't any room left for negative.  For a long time I didn't make a choice at all between happy or sad, positive or negative, or good or evil.  Making a conscious effort to feel any certain way seemed contrived, insincere and impossible, but I discovered that to not consciously seek good is to choose evil because evil seeps in through any cracks and openings not sealed by good.  There is tremendous power in this choice between good and evil, power to create everything from ecstatic joy to hopeless despair.  And as always, with power comes responsibility.

II. GOOD & EVIL: THE RESPONSIBILITY

Please excuse me for sounding a bit like a “you're weak and don't even know it” Evangelical, but there is a kind of truth in the idea that good and evil work through us without our knowledge.  However, the Bible Belt and I differ in the judgments we make about this phenomenon of evil and what they propose to “fix” a person so possessed.  Their position seems to be that I'm chock full of inherent flaws, sin, and so forth.  They further insist that I must surrender myself to a conceptual being whose very existence is widely disputed in order to be saved.  However, I favor the idea that I'm responsible for myself as a part of this world, and that while the strength and help I need are out there for me, the decision to seek them out is entirely up to me. 

-----> I rely solely upon myself because it's impossible to do anything but. <-----

As a part of this world and universe, I am intertwined with everything and can draw strength and guidance from the puzzle into which I fit.  However, any blessings I may reap from this symbiosis are contingent upon my diligence in seeking good – good, not forgiveness for evil I'm told I was born with.  But many believers deny their own part in determining their fates and blame external “forces” that are merely the effects of their own choices and actions.  Living life from inside the comfort zone of their fable, they make misinformed, immature judgments about the world and vow to abstain from many areas of life out of fear. 

Believe it or not, I do my best to restrain myself only to constructive criticism and I understand the futility in chastising other people and beliefs.  However, I also believe that continually berating oneself with feelings of guilt about inherent flaws is unfair and makes for an extremely inharmonious way to exist.  I criticize in an attempt to foster growth and change, and accordingly I attempt to focus on constructive criticism.  And it's certainly important, second only to choosing to make a choice at all.  That is indeed the most pivotal choice I can make – whether to assume responsibility for my own life and what I contribute to this world. 

III. GOOD & EVIL: THE AWESOME POWER OF GOOD

Regardless of what I think about any of this, the system of choices is still in place.  And whether or not I’d like to admit it, I'm shaping my own life with the decisions I make.  I can fight it or run with it.  And when I run, access to primal power becomes available to me.  When I listen to my instincts and try to make choices that I know are good for me, my power grows.  A calm but strong sense of confidence settles over me, and problems that would have otherwise seemed overwhelming simply work themselves out.  That's the thing about problems – they're only even problems if someone is willing to care about them.  Besides, they always get solved one way or another.  If I just relax and try something, anything that seems like a positive step, I'll make progress – either by figuring something out or by completing a task.  I might end up making progress in a completely unrelated subject or learn something resulting from a mistake I make in the process, but I'll definitely learn and progress.  Conscious thought needn't worry itself much; its role is overstated and marveling at how clever I am for solving a problem is about like admiring my elegant handwriting on a plagiarized homework assignment.

The power to choose is the key to unlocking the truly awesome power of good.  Good is self-sustaining, continually gaining strength and momentum, and its powers are available to me as long as it remains my focus.  Evil is self-destructive, stagnant, and always agitated and discontent.  Followers of the paths of evil are continually being drained and depleted, always trudging two steps forward and sliding back one.  These paths are riddled with briars, quicksand and harsh winds, which sap both strength and resolve with each step.  Agitated, discontent, and feeling trapped in this most unpleasant place, the weary wanderer has two options.  He may choose to pacify his immediate comforts and continue down his current path, sinking deeper into the quicksand, or he may instead summon all his strength and boldly blaze a new path through the dense wilderness in search of a path of good.  In fact, this newly blazed trail itself promptly becomes a path of good by very nature of the wanderer's decision, and he begins to build momentum and strength the second he changes course. 

The wanderer's most difficult and pressing task is to choose good.  This isn't as simplistic and trite as it sounds.  It is certainly true that to choose good frequently involves a considerable amount of difficult work and decision making in the day-to-day physical world.  But the whole point, so to speak, of doing acts of good in this world lies in the power it generates.  Behind the curtains, mind, body, and spirit grow stronger as one travels along paths of good.  There are countless trails winding across this universe, paths that frequently intersect but have very few clearly marked sign posts to guide us along the way.  Though sometimes the destination may be unclear or unknown, each one is a path to somewhere.  This is a reality that deserves some thought and reflection, for this is all life really is – one long path.  Each step down any given path leads the traveler closer to one polar extreme and equally further away from the other.  A spirit wandering with no stated direction will quickly find itself heading down the most well-worn paths, the paths of discontentment and despair that no one would consciously choose to explore. 

Together, we will continue to explore these paths and help guide each other towards and along paths of good, bearing in mind that the virtue of any given path is different for everyone.  We will regrow genuine, personal connections and communication between people who are otherwise empty shells with labels – coworker, doctor, teacher, parent.  More and more, we will proudly project our unique personalities into genuine interactions instead of masking them.  We will further abandon the idea of uniformity, for one man's success is another man's carefully planned self-imprisonment.  As we focus on these efforts and ideals, our collective power as a people grows, just as our power as individuals grows.  And the more that people participate, the more the world becomes the kind of place a person, tree, or animal would want to live.  As a brutally honest, cohesive community of genuine people who each accept responsibility for their own life and aren't afraid to be themselves, we will build an alliance of spirits stronger than any government, organization, or ideology.  And we are going to do all this with the most powerful force we've ever known – the power of our own minds.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Cascading Patterns

I sit on the porch with my peach princess
All I could ever need is here, staring straight through my soul
And I wonder if she even knows
That all she sees aren't merely ghosts, but cascading patterns
Colors I've never seen before tonight
Shimmer and dance before my very eyes, eyes so blessed to be here
For the final chapter of the great ordeal
I'd rather get hurt than never feel this beauty

This edge of the sword is much sharper than the last
And I wonder how long this will last
I hang from the cross - you could call it a loss
I'd be more upset, but I'm insane
I swing from the cross
Like all things going round and round, and up and down

But all is not lost. No, all is not lost
It's really not so bad to hang from a cross
At least there's a nice view of all the squalor and beauty too
There's more to see here than from a pew
And I am still here, and she is still here
There's really no reason to fear anything at all

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Maverickinesiology

Some universities are beginning to offer programs and degrees geared towards fostering Creativity and Originality in their students.  It goes without saying that these are some of the most desirable qualities any aspiring employee might possess in today’s competitive workplace.  Companies and organizations worldwide are looking for sources of Innovative, Novel ideas and strategies to gain an edge on the business market.  The more relevant credentials a job candidate can document, the better his or her prospects are when it comes to salary, job placement, and job security.

While some educational institutions are beginning to pick up on the rapidly growing demand for Originality, most have programs that are just burgeoning and are merely supplementary to existing majors – majors as antiquated as Neuroscience and Molecular Engineering.  To the detriment of their students’ careers, these universities have devoted little attention to the value of Maverick Degree Programs and, as a result, lack an integral foundation in their curriculum.  Only Goatcabin University has devoted an entire College to Originality and Creativity with our exciting new degree program, Maverickinesiology.

Instead of a few freshman courses with some generic pointers and tips on Originality as you would expect from a traditional university, Goatcabin U focuses on little else.  By forgoing many “traditional” subjects and classes such as Art Appreciation, Mathematics, and English Composition that offer little edge in the business market, we have provided our students with dozens of Cutting-Edge course options.   These Groundbreaking, Thought Provoking courses include “Originalilinguistics: Introduction to Improvinazational Englistic Speakerinestitudelization” and “History of Novel Concepts and The Creative Application of Existing Solutions to New Problems”.

At Goatcabin U we offer a wide range of options to suit each individual student and to allow their Creativity and Originality to run free.  There are a number of course plans options, each one meticulously tailored to be as Spontaneous and Unbounded as possible.  None of the credit hours or course requirements hinder a student’s opportunities to freely discover and create in any way.  In fact, students are only required to attend class for seven hours a day and are free to listen to the lecture in whatever manner they please – sitting, standing, or lying down are just a few options!  They are also encouraged to work on developing their own Novel methods of paying close attention to the rigorous lectures.  The possibilities are endless!  The aspiring Maverick’s dedication to his studies in Imaginative Thinking solely defines the limits and boundaries of his or her potential.  That’s why Goatcabin U tenures only highly accredited professors with years of experience teaching this time-tested, proven approach to Creativity and Originality.

The beauty of the Maverickinesiology Program is that, once proficient, a degree-wielding Working Professional has the necessary skills to simply create new systems, languages, truths, and practices to replace existing, outdated models that are not Novel enough to already be part of the Maverick’s existing mental Database of Creativitude.  Anything with a low level of Novelidity can easily be replaced with an Improvised, Original and Innovative substitute.  With just a little Creative Thinking, even the most Unoriginal, Uneducated serfs among us can begin to grasp how these “traditional” areas of study are quickly becoming obsolete in the wake of Maverickinesiology.  Grammar, Mathematics, and even common decency are about as important to a Maverick as a sponge is to that very same Maverick.  After all, he can easily afford a maid!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Conzac (For Michelle)

Trapped in this life of pain and strife,
When into a different one born
Intuition let loose and put to good use
Instead of the target of scorn

Friday, March 28, 2008

Countdown to Liftoff

I woke up this morning feeling distinctly like a rocket ship nearing its launch date.  My upcoming launch is the culmination of years of preparation, not that I was aware of any of it until very recently.  This coming week, my final workweek, is my countdown to unemployment – and almost certainly, enlightenment.  I stand to lose anything and gain everything, armed and comforted only by my steadfast belief that I am making the right choice.  The tension is rising... Takeoff is rapidly approaching...  It won't be long now until I am free from this corporate launching pad and soaring unrestrained through the heavens.

But of course, it's just a ride.  I try to remind myself of this.  As real and profound as any of it may seem to be, it's all just a ride. My rocket ship, your SUV...  My Flashback, your Texas Giant...  Which ride seems the most exhilarating, the most lucrative, the most meaningful?  Which ride defines me as a person?  Which is worthy of a lifelong commitment?  Surely one of these rides will keep me adequately entertained and distracted, sedated and planning for a life that is already in progress, and yet always seems is about to begin.

Thinking about the future is really funny.  For one thing, I might die and not even make it to the future, as if it were some kind of tangible eventuality.  I used to worry a lot about my future – what I would regret, what mistakes I could avoid, whether I would be prepared for this or that...  It took me a long time to realize that I was wasting the time I already had worrying about issues beyond my control in a life that will probably bear little resemblance to the scenarios I was envisioning, should I even live that long...  I realize that last sentence is rather clumsy and I modestly argue that its awkwardness stems from the garbled rationale for the mindset it describes, and not from my lack of talent as a writer.

My trivial aptitudes aside, I realize that all I can do is live NOW. That's all anyone can do, and now is all that matters because the future is an illusion.  Living my life in preparation for the future is like going to Six Flags and spending all day making sure my shoes are tied absolutely right.  I ensure that I am 100% ready for the great time I anticipate having, but by the time I'm ready to get on a roller coaster it's too late.  I've wasted my whole day readying my shoes for a perfect day at Six Flags and missed the experience altogether.  The truth is that there is no such thing as a perfect day and I passed up a pretty good one by chasing an unattainable, unnecessary concept of perfection.

I suppose there is one aspect of the future I do grant some authority over how I live my life in the now – a belief that if I live to be old, I'm going to be pretty pissed off at myself if all I have accumulated are a bunch of regrets and "what-ifs".  What could be worse than looking back on a lifetime of caution and missed opportunities driven by fear?  Besides, living for the future is unfulfilling in the now!  ...But again, I realize I am too focused on the ride itself and so I take a step back, as well as a long, deep breath.  I find myself centered in a state of calm exuberance and tranquil excitement.  And with renewed conviction I press on, certain that living life with anything less than wild abandon does not make for much of a life at all.