I woke up this morning feeling distinctly like a rocket ship nearing its launch date. My upcoming launch is the culmination of years of preparation, not that I was aware of any of it until very recently. This coming week, my final workweek, is my countdown to unemployment – and almost certainly, enlightenment. I stand to lose anything and gain everything, armed and comforted only by my steadfast belief that I am making the right choice. The tension is rising... Takeoff is rapidly approaching... It won't be long now until I am free from this corporate launching pad and soaring unrestrained through the heavens.
But of course, it's just a ride. I try to remind myself of this. As real and profound as any of it may seem to be, it's all just a ride. My rocket ship, your SUV... My Flashback, your Texas Giant... Which ride seems the most exhilarating, the most lucrative, the most meaningful? Which ride defines me as a person? Which is worthy of a lifelong commitment? Surely one of these rides will keep me adequately entertained and distracted, sedated and planning for a life that is already in progress, and yet always seems is about to begin.
Thinking about the future is really funny. For one thing, I might die and not even make it to the future, as if it were some kind of tangible eventuality. I used to worry a lot about my future – what I would regret, what mistakes I could avoid, whether I would be prepared for this or that... It took me a long time to realize that I was wasting the time I already had worrying about issues beyond my control in a life that will probably bear little resemblance to the scenarios I was envisioning, should I even live that long... I realize that last sentence is rather clumsy and I modestly argue that its awkwardness stems from the garbled rationale for the mindset it describes, and not from my lack of talent as a writer.
My trivial aptitudes aside, I realize that all I can do is live NOW. That's all anyone can do, and now is all that matters because the future is an illusion. Living my life in preparation for the future is like going to Six Flags and spending all day making sure my shoes are tied absolutely right. I ensure that I am 100% ready for the great time I anticipate having, but by the time I'm ready to get on a roller coaster it's too late. I've wasted my whole day readying my shoes for a perfect day at Six Flags and missed the experience altogether. The truth is that there is no such thing as a perfect day and I passed up a pretty good one by chasing an unattainable, unnecessary concept of perfection.
I suppose there is one aspect of the future I do grant some authority over how I live my life in the now – a belief that if I live to be old, I'm going to be pretty pissed off at myself if all I have accumulated are a bunch of regrets and "what-ifs". What could be worse than looking back on a lifetime of caution and missed opportunities driven by fear? Besides, living for the future is unfulfilling in the now! ...But again, I realize I am too focused on the ride itself and so I take a step back, as well as a long, deep breath. I find myself centered in a state of calm exuberance and tranquil excitement. And with renewed conviction I press on, certain that living life with anything less than wild abandon does not make for much of a life at all.
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