Relax, champ. You’ve succeeded admirably. We are all very impressed indeed with your monstrous truck. And we’re oh so jealous, absolutely green with envy of your ridiculously overpowered and underutilized mode of transportation. We can feel your ego soar to new heights with each person you tailgate and wildly swerve to pass. Somehow you always know how best to make us admire and covet you. Your truck’s gross inefficiency drives up gas prices and increases pollution for everyone, your obtrusive engine roaring down our streets is loud enough to drown out a heavy metal concert, and you even have complete disregard for the safety of everyone else on the road. But hey, who are we kidding? You had us at monstrous. What more could we ask for?
...Just the one thing, I suppose: Most important of all, you’ve demonstrated your finely honed ability to follow trends. While everyone else was out playing basketball, going to college, learning how to dance, and spending time with friends, you were studying diligently. Like a financial expert follows the stock market, you stay on top of every new trend and you’re always out there to buy it up before anyone else has a chance. And boy, does it show. Rest assured, your tireless efforts have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. So here’s to you and your usually thankless endeavor to be the biggest fucking deal anyone has ever seen. You and your obtrusive nature will not soon be forgotten.
No comments:
Post a Comment