Trapped in this life of pain and strife,
When into a different one born
Intuition let loose and put to good use
Instead of the target of scorn
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Countdown to Liftoff
I woke up this morning feeling distinctly like a rocket ship nearing its launch date. My upcoming launch is the culmination of years of preparation, not that I was aware of any of it until very recently. This coming week, my final workweek, is my countdown to unemployment – and almost certainly, enlightenment. I stand to lose anything and gain everything, armed and comforted only by my steadfast belief that I am making the right choice. The tension is rising... Takeoff is rapidly approaching... It won't be long now until I am free from this corporate launching pad and soaring unrestrained through the heavens.
But of course, it's just a ride. I try to remind myself of this. As real and profound as any of it may seem to be, it's all just a ride. My rocket ship, your SUV... My Flashback, your Texas Giant... Which ride seems the most exhilarating, the most lucrative, the most meaningful? Which ride defines me as a person? Which is worthy of a lifelong commitment? Surely one of these rides will keep me adequately entertained and distracted, sedated and planning for a life that is already in progress, and yet always seems is about to begin.
Thinking about the future is really funny. For one thing, I might die and not even make it to the future, as if it were some kind of tangible eventuality. I used to worry a lot about my future – what I would regret, what mistakes I could avoid, whether I would be prepared for this or that... It took me a long time to realize that I was wasting the time I already had worrying about issues beyond my control in a life that will probably bear little resemblance to the scenarios I was envisioning, should I even live that long... I realize that last sentence is rather clumsy and I modestly argue that its awkwardness stems from the garbled rationale for the mindset it describes, and not from my lack of talent as a writer.
My trivial aptitudes aside, I realize that all I can do is live NOW. That's all anyone can do, and now is all that matters because the future is an illusion. Living my life in preparation for the future is like going to Six Flags and spending all day making sure my shoes are tied absolutely right. I ensure that I am 100% ready for the great time I anticipate having, but by the time I'm ready to get on a roller coaster it's too late. I've wasted my whole day readying my shoes for a perfect day at Six Flags and missed the experience altogether. The truth is that there is no such thing as a perfect day and I passed up a pretty good one by chasing an unattainable, unnecessary concept of perfection.
I suppose there is one aspect of the future I do grant some authority over how I live my life in the now – a belief that if I live to be old, I'm going to be pretty pissed off at myself if all I have accumulated are a bunch of regrets and "what-ifs". What could be worse than looking back on a lifetime of caution and missed opportunities driven by fear? Besides, living for the future is unfulfilling in the now! ...But again, I realize I am too focused on the ride itself and so I take a step back, as well as a long, deep breath. I find myself centered in a state of calm exuberance and tranquil excitement. And with renewed conviction I press on, certain that living life with anything less than wild abandon does not make for much of a life at all.
But of course, it's just a ride. I try to remind myself of this. As real and profound as any of it may seem to be, it's all just a ride. My rocket ship, your SUV... My Flashback, your Texas Giant... Which ride seems the most exhilarating, the most lucrative, the most meaningful? Which ride defines me as a person? Which is worthy of a lifelong commitment? Surely one of these rides will keep me adequately entertained and distracted, sedated and planning for a life that is already in progress, and yet always seems is about to begin.
Thinking about the future is really funny. For one thing, I might die and not even make it to the future, as if it were some kind of tangible eventuality. I used to worry a lot about my future – what I would regret, what mistakes I could avoid, whether I would be prepared for this or that... It took me a long time to realize that I was wasting the time I already had worrying about issues beyond my control in a life that will probably bear little resemblance to the scenarios I was envisioning, should I even live that long... I realize that last sentence is rather clumsy and I modestly argue that its awkwardness stems from the garbled rationale for the mindset it describes, and not from my lack of talent as a writer.
My trivial aptitudes aside, I realize that all I can do is live NOW. That's all anyone can do, and now is all that matters because the future is an illusion. Living my life in preparation for the future is like going to Six Flags and spending all day making sure my shoes are tied absolutely right. I ensure that I am 100% ready for the great time I anticipate having, but by the time I'm ready to get on a roller coaster it's too late. I've wasted my whole day readying my shoes for a perfect day at Six Flags and missed the experience altogether. The truth is that there is no such thing as a perfect day and I passed up a pretty good one by chasing an unattainable, unnecessary concept of perfection.
I suppose there is one aspect of the future I do grant some authority over how I live my life in the now – a belief that if I live to be old, I'm going to be pretty pissed off at myself if all I have accumulated are a bunch of regrets and "what-ifs". What could be worse than looking back on a lifetime of caution and missed opportunities driven by fear? Besides, living for the future is unfulfilling in the now! ...But again, I realize I am too focused on the ride itself and so I take a step back, as well as a long, deep breath. I find myself centered in a state of calm exuberance and tranquil excitement. And with renewed conviction I press on, certain that living life with anything less than wild abandon does not make for much of a life at all.
Monday, March 24, 2008
To the Asshole in the Giant Truck
Relax, champ. You’ve succeeded admirably. We are all very impressed indeed with your monstrous truck. And we’re oh so jealous, absolutely green with envy of your ridiculously overpowered and underutilized mode of transportation. We can feel your ego soar to new heights with each person you tailgate and wildly swerve to pass. Somehow you always know how best to make us admire and covet you. Your truck’s gross inefficiency drives up gas prices and increases pollution for everyone, your obtrusive engine roaring down our streets is loud enough to drown out a heavy metal concert, and you even have complete disregard for the safety of everyone else on the road. But hey, who are we kidding? You had us at monstrous. What more could we ask for?
...Just the one thing, I suppose: Most important of all, you’ve demonstrated your finely honed ability to follow trends. While everyone else was out playing basketball, going to college, learning how to dance, and spending time with friends, you were studying diligently. Like a financial expert follows the stock market, you stay on top of every new trend and you’re always out there to buy it up before anyone else has a chance. And boy, does it show. Rest assured, your tireless efforts have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. So here’s to you and your usually thankless endeavor to be the biggest fucking deal anyone has ever seen. You and your obtrusive nature will not soon be forgotten.
...Just the one thing, I suppose: Most important of all, you’ve demonstrated your finely honed ability to follow trends. While everyone else was out playing basketball, going to college, learning how to dance, and spending time with friends, you were studying diligently. Like a financial expert follows the stock market, you stay on top of every new trend and you’re always out there to buy it up before anyone else has a chance. And boy, does it show. Rest assured, your tireless efforts have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. So here’s to you and your usually thankless endeavor to be the biggest fucking deal anyone has ever seen. You and your obtrusive nature will not soon be forgotten.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
12 Steps to Enlightenment
1. Change is usually not a lot of fun
2. Leaving one's comfort zone is seldom enjoyable
3. One must frequently make drastic changes outside of his or her comfort zone in order to attain enlightenment and improve his or her quality of life
4. People frequently go on the defensive when confronted with change and ideas that threaten change
5. People act on an instinctive level to avoid the unknown and return to their comfort zone as quickly as possible
6. People may become angry, aggressive, and seem to act irrationally when outside of their comfort zone
7. When ingested, psychedelics knock people out of their comfort zones in order to precipitate life changes, enlightenment, and confrontation of painful issues
8. An uninformed, unprepared person may take psychedelics recreationally, expecting to "get fucked up", but instead observes the death of his ego
9. With no one to guide him, he incorrectly blames his unpleasant experience on the drug and not his own ignorance, arrogance, and lack of preparation
10. Little does he know that what has scared him so badly is only the realization of the awesome power of his own mind
11. Ego death can be frightening, especially when it is experienced in the wrong setting and with an unprepared mind, body and soul
12. However, using psychedelics responsibly to attain enlightenment is perhaps the most positive and meaningful thing a person can do for his mind, body, soul, and community
2. Leaving one's comfort zone is seldom enjoyable
3. One must frequently make drastic changes outside of his or her comfort zone in order to attain enlightenment and improve his or her quality of life
4. People frequently go on the defensive when confronted with change and ideas that threaten change
5. People act on an instinctive level to avoid the unknown and return to their comfort zone as quickly as possible
6. People may become angry, aggressive, and seem to act irrationally when outside of their comfort zone
7. When ingested, psychedelics knock people out of their comfort zones in order to precipitate life changes, enlightenment, and confrontation of painful issues
8. An uninformed, unprepared person may take psychedelics recreationally, expecting to "get fucked up", but instead observes the death of his ego
9. With no one to guide him, he incorrectly blames his unpleasant experience on the drug and not his own ignorance, arrogance, and lack of preparation
10. Little does he know that what has scared him so badly is only the realization of the awesome power of his own mind
11. Ego death can be frightening, especially when it is experienced in the wrong setting and with an unprepared mind, body and soul
12. However, using psychedelics responsibly to attain enlightenment is perhaps the most positive and meaningful thing a person can do for his mind, body, soul, and community
Saturday, November 24, 2007
A Public Service Announcement
Have you ever experienced the sensation that you've already experienced the sensation you're currently experiencing? That is to say, have you ever previously experienced the sensation that you're currently experiencing? Before?
This may just be déjà vu – an interesting, harmless little phenomenon no one really seems to understand. But it could also be a symptom of a more serious, highly fatal and Unpatriotic condition known as DEJAVITIS®. The painful swelling of the left nipple and enlargement of the anal opening associated with this condition have also conclusively led to the possible development of AIDS, CANCER, and chronic DEATH.
As we all know, every good American® shares the responsibility to combat Al Qaeda by appearing to be patriotic at all times. Indeed, each and every citizen is expected to do his or her part to defend The Greatest Country in the World® from evildoers. After all, if you're dead, who is going to drive your SUV to display your "Support our Troops" magnets? Who is going to shout "These Colors Don't Run!"? Can you afford to take that risk? Can America®?
Of course, there is no way to irrefutably diagnose DEJAVITIS® – that is, until you die a sudden, otherwise inexplicable death. Fortunately, the caring upper management at RepubliPfizer® has developed an exclusive Preventative Cure® for this horrendous malady. Simply take a Serenetab® tablet once a day for the rest of your life to ensure your Good Health®, with the only side effect being a minor case of kidney failure.
Hopefully, DEJAVITIS® will never suddenly and without warning strike you or your family down like the angry hand of a vengeful god. But if something does happen, will your peace of mind be protected? Can you put a price on your life, or the life of your favorite child? Happily, RepubliPfizer® has taken care of these valuations for you as well. So ask your doctor about Serenetab® today, because after all, how are you going to defend the Greatest Country in the World® against the terrorists if you're dead?
This may just be déjà vu – an interesting, harmless little phenomenon no one really seems to understand. But it could also be a symptom of a more serious, highly fatal and Unpatriotic condition known as DEJAVITIS®. The painful swelling of the left nipple and enlargement of the anal opening associated with this condition have also conclusively led to the possible development of AIDS, CANCER, and chronic DEATH.
As we all know, every good American® shares the responsibility to combat Al Qaeda by appearing to be patriotic at all times. Indeed, each and every citizen is expected to do his or her part to defend The Greatest Country in the World® from evildoers. After all, if you're dead, who is going to drive your SUV to display your "Support our Troops" magnets? Who is going to shout "These Colors Don't Run!"? Can you afford to take that risk? Can America®?
Of course, there is no way to irrefutably diagnose DEJAVITIS® – that is, until you die a sudden, otherwise inexplicable death. Fortunately, the caring upper management at RepubliPfizer® has developed an exclusive Preventative Cure® for this horrendous malady. Simply take a Serenetab® tablet once a day for the rest of your life to ensure your Good Health®, with the only side effect being a minor case of kidney failure.
Hopefully, DEJAVITIS® will never suddenly and without warning strike you or your family down like the angry hand of a vengeful god. But if something does happen, will your peace of mind be protected? Can you put a price on your life, or the life of your favorite child? Happily, RepubliPfizer® has taken care of these valuations for you as well. So ask your doctor about Serenetab® today, because after all, how are you going to defend the Greatest Country in the World® against the terrorists if you're dead?
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Chronic Sobriety Disorder
Millions of Americans suffer from Chronic Sobriety Disorder (CSD), a serious medical condition characterized by extended periods of sobriety and resulting depression, anxiety, delusions, and boredom. Unfortunately, many people suffering from this disorder attempt to self-medicate with unhealthy habits such as overeating, shopping, and watching television and movies. These attempted treatments do not address the underlying root problem of chronic sobriety and therefore serve only as temporary distractions from getting real help. Please check your symptoms against the following checklist to evaluate whether you may have a sobriety problem.
Some symptoms of CSD:
-Daily television use
-Increased interest in material possessions
-Strong work ethic
-Frequent attendance at religious services
-Stress and anxiety
-Sense of community with corporate America
-Long, uninterrupted periods of sobriety
Reality, when experienced without the aide of a protective intoxicant, can be overwhelming and is simply too much for many people to handle. After long periods of sobriety, the brain becomes confused and overworked, resulting in delusions and potentially aggressive behavior. Many sufferers of CSD even experience a state of denial in which they believe not only that sobriety is a valid state of mind, but indeed the only valid state of mind. Left untreated, this denial begins to manifest itself into a false feeling of superiority over one's healthy, intoxicated peers, and the sobriety victim may become hostile towards anyone who tries to help. This, however, is just a symptom of the illness. Tragically, the invalid is simply too sober to understand his own affliction and may require the introduction of intoxicants against his will to interrupt the dangerous cycle of sobriety.
Although there is no cure for CSD, many different forms of treatment are available. Alcohol, the mostly commonly prescribed treatment, can greatly reduce the symptoms of CSD and provide greatly needed relief. Other effective options include marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamine, PCP, and heroin. Each regimen has its own specific applications, as each patient's needs are unique, so be sure to consult a Sobriety Prevention Professional before beginning any treatment. Contact your friendly neighborhood drug dealer for assistance with selecting an appropriate therapy to control your sobriety. You don't have to suffer from CSD any longer; please get help today before it's too late!
Some symptoms of CSD:
-Daily television use
-Increased interest in material possessions
-Strong work ethic
-Frequent attendance at religious services
-Stress and anxiety
-Sense of community with corporate America
-Long, uninterrupted periods of sobriety
Reality, when experienced without the aide of a protective intoxicant, can be overwhelming and is simply too much for many people to handle. After long periods of sobriety, the brain becomes confused and overworked, resulting in delusions and potentially aggressive behavior. Many sufferers of CSD even experience a state of denial in which they believe not only that sobriety is a valid state of mind, but indeed the only valid state of mind. Left untreated, this denial begins to manifest itself into a false feeling of superiority over one's healthy, intoxicated peers, and the sobriety victim may become hostile towards anyone who tries to help. This, however, is just a symptom of the illness. Tragically, the invalid is simply too sober to understand his own affliction and may require the introduction of intoxicants against his will to interrupt the dangerous cycle of sobriety.
Although there is no cure for CSD, many different forms of treatment are available. Alcohol, the mostly commonly prescribed treatment, can greatly reduce the symptoms of CSD and provide greatly needed relief. Other effective options include marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamine, PCP, and heroin. Each regimen has its own specific applications, as each patient's needs are unique, so be sure to consult a Sobriety Prevention Professional before beginning any treatment. Contact your friendly neighborhood drug dealer for assistance with selecting an appropriate therapy to control your sobriety. You don't have to suffer from CSD any longer; please get help today before it's too late!
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Intentional Ignorance
Why do conservative Christians insist they are being persecuted for their beliefs when they are not allowed to shove them down everyone else's throats? Most critical thinkers merely ignore the ranting of blind faith fanatics because they have already realized there is no point in responding. They know it is nearly impossible to have a rational conversation with a person so fiercely entrenched in illogical reasoning, but enough is enough! There is no reason I should be subjected to personal attacks and patronizing remarks about my allegedly perverse life of sin from a person who has never bothered to investigate any philosophy or avenue of thought other than what he is told.
There is a world of difference between having faith in a higher power and leading an arrogant life of intentional ignorance about most of the world, a world which is supposedly immoral and doomed to Hell. It is inherently essential that we be convinced of the absolute truth and validity of our personal beliefs, or they would not be beliefs at all. However, this certainly does not justify or excuse forcing one's personal beliefs on another person who simply is not interested, and is indeed offended by the unwanted condescension. No matter how genuinely the believer fears for the fate of my soul, he must still respect my rights in this life by keeping his opinions to himself.
There is a world of difference between having faith in a higher power and leading an arrogant life of intentional ignorance about most of the world, a world which is supposedly immoral and doomed to Hell. It is inherently essential that we be convinced of the absolute truth and validity of our personal beliefs, or they would not be beliefs at all. However, this certainly does not justify or excuse forcing one's personal beliefs on another person who simply is not interested, and is indeed offended by the unwanted condescension. No matter how genuinely the believer fears for the fate of my soul, he must still respect my rights in this life by keeping his opinions to himself.
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